Mark changed a ceiling light last spring with the power off at the wrong switch. He got a shock, fell off the ladder, and drove himself to hospital with a sprained wrist. His brother-in-law, an electrician, lived four streets away. When I asked him why he had not called, he laughed. Then he stopped laughing, because it was the same reason he had waited two years to call me.
Men do not ask for help because many learned early: needing help means weakness, and problems are yours to fix alone. The rule works at work and wrecks things at home. Men wait until the crisis: the ultimatum, the panic attack, the affair. Starting smaller, with one practical conversation, costs far less.
01The rule
Ask most men where they learned to handle things alone and they will tell you a story. A father who never said he was struggling. A coach who said crying was for girls. A family where the eldest son fixed things for everyone else.
02What it costs
Most of the men I see arrive after one of three things: a partner saying she is leaving, a panic attack at work, or an affair. Every one of them tells me they wish they had come a year earlier.
The help was at the foot of the ladder the whole time.
Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
03A small start
Asking for help does not have to mean a confession. It is a practical conversation with a clear end. Twenty minutes, on a video call, from the car in a car park if home is not private. You describe what is going on. You ask questions. You decide.
If you love a man who will not ask, invite rather than demand. “I think we would both feel better if you talked to someone. Would you do one call?” lands better than “you need therapy”.
Mark’s first session was about his wrist. His fifth was about his father. By the tenth he had called his brother-in-law about the wiring. Therapy for men explains how I work, and how to control anger in a relationship covers one of the most common reasons men start.
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Kita Tabachka
I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.
More about my practiceQuestions people ask
This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.
Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.
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