Rachel has two browser tabs she opens late at night. One is a solicitor’s page about divorce. The other is a hotel in Cornwall where they went on their tenth anniversary. She closes both before he comes up to bed. She has been doing this since January.
Before deciding to divorce your husband, separate an unhappy marriage from a harmful one. Harm, meaning fear, control or violence, needs a safety plan, not more trying. Unhappiness deserves six honest questions, a proper attempt with help if you both want it, and a decision made in daylight rather than at midnight.
01Unhappy or harmful
Unhappy marriages involve distance, resentment, boredom or loneliness. Harmful marriages involve fear: of his temper, his control of money or your phone, or his hands. The second kind is not a relationship problem to work on. It is a safety problem to plan around.
02Six questions
You do not have to decide tonight. You do have to stop deciding alone.
Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
03Deciding well
Write down what would have to change for you to stay. Say it to him once, clearly. Give it a date. Then watch. If nothing moves, you will have your answer, and you will have it in a way you are able to live with.
Rachel came to sessions for four months before deciding. She did leave, calmly, with a plan for the children and a solicitor she trusted. She said the four months were the difference between leaving in a panic and leaving well. Men facing the same question read should I leave my marriage.
If your partner shouts in a way which scares you, controls your money, phone or friends, or has ever hurt you, this is domestic abuse, and it comes before any question about the marriage. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and open day and night. If you are in danger, call 999, or local emergency services abroad.
If betrayal sits behind the question, my workbook Stay, Pause or Leave helps you test whether his promises have turned into changed behaviour before you choose.
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Kita Tabachka
I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.
More about my practiceQuestions women ask me
This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.
Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.
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