Every evening Maya sits at one end of the sofa and Tom sits at the other with his laptop. He is polite. He asks about her day. He kisses her forehead at eleven and goes to bed. She has started holding a cushion against her chest while they watch television, and last week she realised she was holding it the way she used to hold him.
When a husband feels unloving, the distance usually comes from something other than lost love: stress, low mood, shame, unspoken resentment or avoiding conflict. Sometimes love has faded. You find out which by asking plainly for one specific thing and watching how he responds, not by waiting for him to notice.
01Distance or the end
From the other end of the sofa, a man who has stopped loving you and a man who is drowning quietly look the same. Both are polite, busy and far away. The difference shows when you ask for something directly.
02What distance usually means
What the distance looks like, and what is often underneath. Tap a card to turn it.
Kindness without closeness is a kind of loneliness.
Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
03The first conversation
Pick a calm moment, not bedtime. Say one true thing and ask for one specific thing. “I miss you. I want us to have one evening a week without screens, only us.” Then watch what he does over the following month.
A man who responds, even awkwardly, is still in the marriage. A man who deflects every time is telling you something too. Maya asked for Thursdays. Tom forgot the first one, then apologised and cooked the second. Three weeks later he told her he had been struggling at work since the spring and had not wanted to worry her.
If his distance feels like shutting down in arguments, read why men shut down in arguments. If you keep chasing and he keeps retreating, read why we love people who pull away.
More for women, from the journal
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Kita Tabachka
I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.
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This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.
Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.
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