Sofia moved to Zurich for Marco’s job four years ago. They have two children, a nice flat and a Saturday routine. Last month she had flu for four days. He brought her tea and asked if she needed anything from the shop. On the fifth day she realised nobody, including him, had asked how she was since the move.

The short answer

Loneliness in marriage grows slowly, through busy years where two people run a household but stop knowing each other. It is common after children or a move abroad. The way back is small and daily: questions about each other’s inner life, time without screens, and saying plainly what you miss.

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01How it happens

Nobody decides to become lonely in their marriage. It happens through a thousand conversations about logistics. Who is collecting whom. What is for dinner. When the boiler man is coming. Each one is necessary. Together they crowd out the other kind of conversation.

Lonely in my marriage: a woman eats alone at a long table, his jacket on the empty chair at the far end
Two place settings, one person eating.
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02The signs

What you noticeWhat it tells you
You tell a friend news before him.The closeness has moved elsewhere.
Your talk is only about logistics.You run a household, not a relationship.
You feel relief when he is away.Being alone is easier than being lonely together.
You cannot remember your last real conversation.You have both stopped asking.

The loneliest place is a full house where nobody asks how you are.

Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
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03Finding each other again

Start small. Ten minutes each evening where you ask about each other’s day beyond the jobs. One question neither of you knows the answer to. What worried you today? What are you looking forward to? Gottman’s research calls these bids for connection, and couples who turn towards them stay together far more often.

Sofia told Marco she felt invisible. He was shocked. He had felt the same since the move, and had assumed she was happy. They started with Sunday walks without the children. For expat couples, expat relationship problems and expat loneliness go further.

If you are frightened at home

If your partner shouts in a way which scares you, controls your money, phone or friends, or has ever hurt you, this is domestic abuse, and it comes before any question about the marriage. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and open day and night. If you are in danger, call 999, or local emergency services abroad.

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More for women, from the journal

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Kita Tabachka, BACP-registered relational therapist
Written by

Kita Tabachka

I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.

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Questions women ask me

It is common, especially after children, a move abroad or years of busy routine. Common does not mean you should put up with it.
Being together and being close are different. Loneliness comes from not being known, not from being alone.
Often, when both people want it. Small daily rituals of attention rebuild closeness faster than big gestures.
Tell him plainly, with an example. If he still does not engage, individual therapy helps you decide what you need.

Join the conversation

If you have lived this, say so. Your words may be the thing a stranger at midnight needed to read.

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A note on this writing

This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.

Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.