Lucy bought new underwear for their anniversary. She put it on, lay next to James and waited. He kissed her, said he was exhausted, and was asleep within ten minutes. She lay awake until three, going over every reason she thought of, most of them about her body.
When a husband does not want sex, the cause is usually stress, low mood, health, medication, performance worry or unspoken resentment, and rarely a verdict on his wife. Many men feel too ashamed to say so. The way through starts with a calm conversation outside the bedroom, and often a GP appointment.
01More common than you think
The script says men always want sex and women need persuading. Real marriages break the script all the time. In many couples who come to me about a sexless marriage, he is the one who stopped. Both partners usually feel ashamed of it, which is why nobody talks.
02What it usually means
What he says, and what is often underneath. Tap a card to turn it.
His low desire is rarely a verdict on you.
Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
03How to talk about it
Not in bed and not after a rejection. Choose a walk or a quiet morning. “I miss being close to you. I am not angry. I want to understand what is going on for you.” Then listen. If he mentions erection problems, tiredness or low mood, suggest a GP together.
James told Lucy he had been having trouble with erections for a year and had been avoiding sex rather than risk it. The relief of saying it did more than any underwear. Men in his position often read sexless marriage, written from the other side.
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Kita Tabachka
I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.
More about my practiceQuestions women ask me
This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.
Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.
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