Matt found out from the other man’s wife. She sent him screenshots at 11pm on a Wednesday. He read them in the car outside his own house for an hour, then went in and slept in the spare room without saying a word. The next morning he made the children breakfast and went to work. He told nobody for three weeks.
When your wife cheats, the first days are for steadying yourself, not deciding the marriage. Men often feel humiliation and rage first and grief later, and many tell nobody. Get the facts which affect your health, money and children. Tell one person you trust. Hold off on big decisions for a few weeks. Then decide based on what she does, not what she says.
01Why it hits men this way
Many men describe a wife’s affair as a hit to their standing as much as their heart. The questions come fast. What is wrong with me? Did everyone know? Was he better? These questions are rarely answerable and always painful.
What a betrayed husband feels first, and what is often underneath. Tap a card to turn it.
02The first days
Humiliation is pain wearing armour.
Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
03Deciding
If she wants to stay, three things show you whether repair is possible: contact with him ends and you see it end, she tells you the truth once rather than in pieces, and she stays in the room for your anger without making you the problem. I wrote about these in can a relationship survive infidelity.
If she wants to leave, you still get to grieve properly, and you still need support. Either way, men who talk to someone early make fewer decisions they regret. Matt started sessions in the fourth week. The first thing he said was “I have not said this out loud yet.”
Men going through separation carry a much higher risk of suicide than married men. If you have thoughts of ending your life, call Samaritans on 116 123 (UK, free, any hour), or CALM on 0800 58 58 58. Outside the UK, contact local emergency services or a crisis line in your country.
If you need somewhere to put the questions at 3am, I wrote Stay, Pause or Leave: The Practical Workbook After Betrayal. It keeps repair, a pause and leaving open, and every chapter works on your own if your wife will not take part.
More for men, from the journal
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Kita Tabachka
I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.
More about my practiceQuestions men ask me
This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.
Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.
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