Marcus answered every hard conversation with a quote. When his partner said she felt lonely, he told her loneliness was an illusion. When his father died, he posted a sunset and the words “everything happens for a reason”. He meditated for an hour a day. He also had not cried in nine years, and his partner was packing a suitcase.

The short answer

Spiritual bypassing means using spiritual ideas, practices or language to avoid painful feelings and unfinished emotional work. The psychologist John Welwood named it in 1984. Common signs: forcing positivity, calling anger “low vibration”, skipping grief, and using detachment to avoid closeness. Your spiritual life stays. Therapy helps it hold your real feelings instead of hiding them.

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01What it looks like

“Everything happens for a reason.”
what gets said
If I find a reason, I never have to feel the loss.
what it protects
“I don’t do negativity.”
what gets said
Anger frightens me, so I banned it.
what it protects
“I’ve let go of attachment.”
what gets said
Needing someone feels too dangerous.
what it protects

Tap a card to turn it over.

Other signs: you feel guilty for being sad. You forgive before you have admitted you were hurt. You call your partner’s complaints “their energy”. You meditate through every argument and come back calm while they are still upset.

· · ·

02Why it happens

Spiritual practice offers real relief. For people who grew up in loud, frightening or cold homes, a practice which promises peace feels like rescue. The trouble starts when the peace becomes a place to hide.

Bypassing protects you from feelings you never learned to survive. A child punished for anger grows into an adult who calls anger unspiritual. The rule is old. The language is new.

Spiritual bypassing: a smiling man meditates on a cushion while a friend kneels to look at a red crack running across the floor
The crack was there before the cushion. Looking at it together is where repair starts.
· · ·

03What it does to relationships

What you meanWhat your partner hears
“I’m choosing peace.”“Your feelings are a disturbance.”
“I’ve already forgiven.”“We are not going to talk about it.”
“Don’t take it personally.”“You are not allowed to be hurt by me.”
“Raise your vibration.”“Your sadness is your fault.”

Couples tell me the bypassing partner feels serene and the other partner feels crazy. One person carries every difficult feeling for both of them, and resentment builds where honesty should be.

Peace you reach by skipping your feelings is a waiting room, not an arrival.

Kita Tabachka, relational therapist
· · ·

04How to keep your practice and stop hiding in it

Feel first, interpret later. Name the feeling in plain words before you reach for a teaching: “I am angry.” “I miss him.” Give it ten minutes before any meaning arrives.

Let anger count. Anger often marks a boundary someone crossed. Treat it as information.

Ask the people closest to you. “Do I ever use my practice to end a conversation?” Their answer will tell you more than any retreat.

Bring both into therapy. Marcus cried in our sixth session, about his father, for the first time. He still meditates. He now does it after the argument, not instead of it. Couples therapy helps when bypassing has left one partner carrying everything, and communication problems in relationships explains the pattern from the other side.

· · ·

More from the journal

SpiritDark night of the soul or depression? EnergyWhy do I feel drained around certain people? ConflictWhy you resent your partner MenWhy men shut down in arguments TherapyOnline couples therapy TherapyCommunication problems
A man finding the words for an email, with work and relationship worries on his mind.

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Kita Tabachka, BACP-registered relational therapist
Written by

Kita Tabachka

I am a BACP-registered relational therapist. I work with individuals and couples, many of them living far from where they began, on relationship anxiety, attachment, intimacy and the strange business of building a self in a new country. The stories here are composites. The patterns are real. My writing is a door into the work, never a substitute for it.

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· · ·

Questions people ask

Using spiritual ideas, practices or language to avoid painful feelings, conflict or unfinished emotional work. The psychologist John Welwood introduced the term in 1984.
Saying everything happens for a reason to avoid grief, calling anger negative energy, forgiving before admitting you were hurt, and using detachment to avoid closeness.
They overlap. Toxic positivity insists on staying positive. Spiritual bypassing adds spiritual reasons for doing so, which makes it harder to question.
No. Therapy helps your practice hold your real feelings. Most people keep their practice and find it deepens.

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A note on this writing

This article is written by Kita Tabachka, MBACP, and is for general education and reflection. It describes patterns seen in clinical work, but it is not therapy, and it is not a substitute for individual advice from a qualified therapist, doctor or other professional who knows your situation.

Reading it cannot diagnose anything or replace your own judgement about what you need. If something here resonates and you would like support, you are welcome to learn more about my practice or book a free consultation. If you are in crisis or immediate danger, please contact local emergency services or an urgent mental health line in your country.